[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
You Might Also Like
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I’m having an out of money experience.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Are we there yet?…
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute