Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
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Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
just make the entire table out of coaster
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.