Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
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*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Sharon, call the vet
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.