[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
cat vs inanimate object
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.