Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.