EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
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It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
💻🤡
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how