Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
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Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!