Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

Cake safety first. Always.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a