Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

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Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.


When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.


I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms


ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?


One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.


Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.


I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.


Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…


If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.