Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
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It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…