excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
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My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.