“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
New comic up. “Ransom”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.