Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.