Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
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I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
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Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!