Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
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Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Proctology is located in A55
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I hope this email punches you square in the face