“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
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Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.