Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
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The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Google assistant rules
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.