[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
You Might Also Like
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning