Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
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I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we鈥檒l be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Alexa, find me a cat who鈥檚 hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My kid鈥檚 piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don鈥檛 know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Consistent as a McDonald鈥檚 ice cream machine
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Not today. 馃槄
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I鈥檓 late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there鈥檚 no room for a freezer to hide a body
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.