Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.


ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough


I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice


Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…


I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.


Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro


I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.


Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.


“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for