Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Cats are still liquid.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever