excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
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Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.