exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot