exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
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The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.