EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
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Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful