Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie