@PlopWaffle

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

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@dafloydsta

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

@squirrel74wkgn

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

@TomSchally

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

@liljonlovitz

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

@thatdutchperson

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

@Shariv67

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

@ksej

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

@patnspankme

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

@katiecalmdown

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?