COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
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*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.