Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
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me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Growing out my freckles.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Whisper out to librarians!
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that