Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
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If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*