Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.