EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
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I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]