Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.