EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
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My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Happy thanksgiving
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…