Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
This could be us… but you playing
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
the saddest jazz hands ever
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?