Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”