Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
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Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought