@mactx85

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

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@BadMikeyBad

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@bazecraze

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

@MediocreMamaa

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

@Shariv67

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

@Rica_Bee

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

@hellohappy_time

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

@bornmiserable

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

@QwertyJones3

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.