Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
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Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
They got a point!
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.