*exercises sarcastically*
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(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go