WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
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BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.