*exercises sarcastically*

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WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real


BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?


911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*


I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.


I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.


When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.


RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.


I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.


We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now