Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
You Might Also Like
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.