@TheTweetOfGod

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

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@MatCro

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

@internetluke

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

@dafloydsta

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

@LindaInDisguise

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

@BuckyIsotope

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

@NikiWithIssues

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

@ChrisTrauma

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@RealSamHarwood

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour