Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

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GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello


[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell


[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?


13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.


Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.


*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*


I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?


“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun


ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do


I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour