Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
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My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants