Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
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Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done