*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
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annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out