*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
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I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me trying to look natural in photos
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Cheer up.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ