[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.