Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
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“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys