EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
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When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.