Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
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‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
#Caturday
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!