*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
You Might Also Like
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Happens to everyone.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.