*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
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I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.