Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.