Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We鈥檒l return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There鈥檚 nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I got 99 socks but a pair ain鈥檛 one
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can鈥檛 tell but I鈥檓 mad
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
me: i can鈥檛 believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I鈥檝e deleted all dating apps off my phone I鈥檓 over it 馃槶 I鈥檓 waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that鈥檚 too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn鈥檛 even get a babysitter.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you鈥檙e so fired
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
This is why I hate group projects
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.