all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.