Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

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when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one


I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.


Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you


Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.


Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two


I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.


Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.