“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
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It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.